Hello everyone
I wanted to write this post because the past week, going into this week has been one that has been particularly frustrating for me, and I feel one of the best ways to express such feelings being of upset, frustration, and disheartened is to write about them, and for all I know, there could be loads of other people, some of which might come across this post and start reading it who are in the same situation or worse as me.
Now, I'm wishing any bad feeling upon anyone or anything by writing this, and in no way what so ever am I writing this in an attempt to gain sympathy or empathy from anyone, because I'm not that kind of person, I'm merely pointing out my feelings of frustration and disappointment with the way I think 2018 has gone for me so far in the best way I can, writing a blog post up on my blog. I'm fully aware and understand that I could simply just write it down in a notepad or express myself in such a way that doesn't involve posting on social media for everyone to see, I am fully aware of that.
I just feel in myself that this year so far for me has been a bumpy road. Now I'm not saying I'm worse off than anyone else, everyone has problems, we all have our problems and always will. However, for me, I just feel down about the fact that I've not had much good luck come my way this year or I have not made any good or right choices in my life.
It all started back in January where I had to leave my current job at the time because it was deemed too stressful, I was overworked, under pressure, hadn't had much sleep and the environment that I was in wasn't a very nice or healthy atmosphere for me that it became so unbearable that I just wanted to get out, after leaving that job, I had my piece of mind back and I felt like I could get back to being myself again, but at the same time, I was out of a job, I didn't have anything else to fall back on and I was unemployed for a considerable number of weeks. I had other things to keep me going, however, theatre projects on the go and I was seeing and catching up with friends whom I hadn't seen for a long time.
I was working on a theatre project however that didn't turn out to be a very good experience for me, I could tell that I wasn't enjoying it and actually by the end of it, it ended up being one of the worst experiences of my time working in theatre, that's down I believe to poor management, poor timekeeping and just a certain person not really sorting out her priorities and looking after her cast very well. But I was too involved in the project to back out and say "No, I don't want to do this anymore" because that certainly wouldn't have done me any favors if I left. It just didn't end up being the insight or what I was told it was going to be like, I thought that I was signing up for something creatively initiative and something very different and outside the box, because that's what makes theatre brilliant, it's the idea of taking something and doing something so mad and wonderful and fantastic with it that you invite an audience into your world to tell a story and provide a broad escapism. It's the magic of entertainment that makes good business. As I didn't get that, not only did I feel upset and disappointed by this, but I also felt cheated, unappreciated and just didn't feel like part of the team and no one actually bothered to help me feel better about that.
I also felt very agitated and worried over where I stood with certain friends or a friend. I just felt as if I had done something wrong or the relationship had changed slightly and I misinterpreted that as being something it wasn't. I do make things more harder than myself, however, by allowing yourself to over think situations you get caught up and confused with what you believe to be true and what is actually true and I do have regrets about the way I have gone about certain things. And I know that those things can only get me down or eat me up if I let them. I try not to let things worry or concern me, but I'm quite a sensitive person in the best and worst of times.
Over this year I have struggled to find a permanent job that I can stay in, I've spent the majority of this year falling in and out of working, having a valuable source of income and then not having any income at all, that in itself became very hard because I would run out of money and not know when my next source of income would be. I've signed up for things which I thought may take off and be really good for me, if it were to go in the right direction, and it was a big if, when those things didn't work out, I would find that I needed to go back to the drawing without having any clear understanding of what it was that I wanted to do, what made it harder for me was not feeling like I was getting any support, I felt like I was just getting moaned at and shouted at all the time no matter how hard I tried to find work.
I've managed to find a job last week, and now it's been a week later and I'm now jobless again. I feel as if I've not been having a very lucky year or things just haven't quite gone my way at all. I feel like I'm letting myself down and that I'm letting my family down.
But it's not been all bad, I have had some really good things that have happened to me this year. I've made some excellent progress in pursuing a passion for working in radio and gaining experience with that, so far, I've worked on three very unique and very different radio programmes both on air and behind the scenes, I've been going out and socialising with friends and building on my relationships with people and genuinely I feel like the relationship I have with friends is very good. I went to my friend's wedding and it was one of the best days of my life. I've been on a couple of dates this year, I've rediscovered or got back into doing hobbies I haven't done for ages and remember or remind myself why I love doing those things so much.
We are now going into October, three months of the year left to go, I sincerely hope that things pick up and get much better for me up to Christmas.
If you have come across this and are reading this, I hope you'll understand my story and where I'm getting my point across. I just felt by typing this up and getting it out there, that might help to get it off my chest to help me going into the rest of this year. It can only get better.
