This was a new friend who I had made whilst working on Rope. Usually, when I work on a play I don't usually see the cast members from shows again for a while after the show has finished. So when Rope happened it was a surprise to me the escalation of the social interaction which went on within our small group. We were going to the pub a lot and socialising, just hanging out as a group. We all became close to each other very quickly and we keep in touch with one another and have regular meet ups, so we would see each other quite a lot, joke about and have the group chats on Facebook so the banter is pretty much there and we still do those things. I'm lucky to be in a group like that at the moment because it's boosting my confidence and everyone around is very nice and friendly. I'm surrounded by lots of good people at the moment and I feel very blessed. And what's good about it is, no one feels left out from the group.
But this particular friend was someone who I have grown quite an attachment to throughout the time I was working with her on Rope. I have this thing with girls that I like, that if I like them, I kind of tend to over react and get over excited and this likeness turns into "I really like you".
Given my mistakes in the past with girls, I thought I would approach it this time around with caution because there was an anxiety issue there that made me want to give off a good impression for a start, I wanted her to like me, I want her to think of me as a professional. But also, there was a thing at the back of my mind which told me to go "hold on, take a step back" and not be too intense, because I think the reason why I haven't had much success with girls in the past is not understanding the boundary I have with regards to space and her needs and what she wants from me, so I took caution with this new person as she was new to me when I first met her and now as time went on when I would see her at rehearsals you talk, you get to know each other a bit and it's good stepping stones. It wasn't until I invited her to my twenty-first birthday party that I started to socialise with her and then after that, I think that was the start of our friendship.
So as I say, I have grown quite an attachment to this person, just because I was very fond of her. I'm not sure how she felt about me, but what I got off her was that she had this welcoming warmness about her which made me want to trust her. She seemed a very nice, friendly person and I responded positively to that. As you would do, if someone was nice to you, you would respond to that in a positive way.
I wanted to talk to her about a few things, and that lead to a coffee at Costa, which lead into a chat and then we took it from there. I find her quite an easy person to talk to, once we get a conversation going and once that happens that develops a good flow.
We never ran out of stuff to say, and we were just open, we were honest with each other which made it really genuine. It was one of those times to just go out and see each other and just have a very long in depth conversation because sometimes you need to have that, you need to just talk to someone who has a free ear and is willing to listen to you and help you come up with practical solutions. I also took this as an opportunity to get to her a bit better as a person too. It was comforting to talk about stuff going on in our lives because she'd name examples which related to me which were relevant which really showed me that she understood where I was coming from and if you go out to the pub with friends, you don't normally get time to do all of that. In this case, it was comforting and reassuring to have someone there to talk to and she was there for me.
She made it easy for me to trust her. She has a lovely warmness to her which gives off a positive vibe that makes me want to trust her. That takes off a big burden for me, speaking as someone who has major trust issues with people. I find it really hard to trust people. But given just how she is and her positivity, I can feel calm around her, there's no tension there which is good. It made the conversation flow to the best that it could because I felt there wasn't anything for me to hold back. And it's therapeutic to talk to a friend on a level which is equal to you.
Something I have learnt which is new is that this person is very generous. I mean that in a sense that she is generous with time, she is generous with respecting me as a person and most importantly she is generous with love. I say love in the context of me starting to feel deep affection for this person. Not love as in a relationship kind of way.
There was a sentimental moment where I had a cuddle with her and that made me feel secure, it made me feel safe and it was very just sort of good to do that. I don't really know how to describe it, but it was a moment of pure sentimentality which rounded off the whole day for me.
My friend took me under her wing today and I'm so grateful for that. x
